lustingblood (lustingblood) wrote,

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back from the dead

This will probably be a rather lengthy entry, obviously, because I've been away for nigh on forever. I don't really even know where to begin. My life has been completely flipped upside down, shaken, and thrown to the wind. I guess I've come out of it (mostly) no worse for the wear, and hopefully a little wiser.

When am I going to learn not to date people based on appearance? This better be the last time, I daresay, because the punishments are getting more and more severe. And no more meeting people online and trying to forge a relationship. Terrible idea. What the fuck was I thinking? Well, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that everything he wrote was true. But it wasn't, I forgot that it was all written from his perspective. The fact that all his girlfriends have cheated on him or dumped him made me think he'd just had terrible shitty luck, but now, I'm not entirely sure I can blame them.

He really reminds me a lot of the way I used to be. Clingy, in constant need of appraisal from others, guilt tripping, needy... you get the idea. And the fact that I used to be like that makes it all the more repulsive for me to have to deal with it in another person. It was bad enough to have to come to terms with my own problems, but trying to give another person an infusion of self esteem and a sense of the meaninglessness of others' opinions... I'm just not up for it.

He seems like he's spoiled, in a way. He can be completely broke but will still turn up his nose at the wrong brand of butter. That *I* bought. My  opinion on the matter is that if you want special... whatever... then you can buy it, but when I'm buying it, you shouldn't be fucking rude enough to complain. That's just it. Rudeness. Neediness. He's got no control over his impulses and wants. That's what gives the impression of spoiledness. And the whining, I guess. Whenever he can't have his way, he whines. Like a child. I can't stand dating a guy who's 6 years older than me and acts like he's 6 years my junior.

I'm sure that I was never that lazy in my life, though. I always have been motivated to get up and do something... and I can't believe he sat here for 4 months without a job, probably most of it spent in front of the computer playing games. Living here, eating our food, bumming ciggarettes off jenn, and sitting on his ass. Yeah, I know, he's not familiar with the place and what not, but he could have done more than that. Jesus. If I moved in with someone, I'd be spending all my time looking for a job, cuz I'd feel really shitty bumming stuff off them. In fact, he still owes me $100.

And on the whole, he just annoys the fuck out of me. I couldn't precisely put a finger on it. Maybe he just seems weak to me, or too effeminate, I don't know. I just can't seem to feel any respect for him anymore. I just once again built someone up on a pedestal in my mind, and only later realized that the person I sought was only imagined.

I know I'm being hard on him and probably too bitchy and whatnot, but I cant help feeling that I have in some fundamental way been taken advantage of. I've given money, health, time, and sacrificed my schoolwork for this guy, and I have nothing to show for it now. Nothing at all. I know it's mostly my fault. For even going up there to see him. For thinking he was something he wasn't. But I just cant' let go of this resentment.

School sucked this semester as well. Even after I dropped the calculus class, I got 2 B's. Yeah, my gpa is down to 3.71 now. A lot of it due to the illness that Hayden gave me... when I first got it, I was running a fever of 102 and trying to get to labs that I knew could not be made up.... and crying from the pain of it.. but I got through it somehow with 2 B's, which isn't all that bad, I guess.

Work is getting worse than ever as well. Robert disappeared after his father had a heart attack (he went to see him and never came back) so we were stuck without a GM for about a month. The owner had to come in and work his shifts. After that, JC was made GM and he's getting something of a power trip now, or maybe it's that Dan was witness to all the shit that we don't do the way that corporate says we should... at any rate, now they're being all nitpicky about stupid little rules and work is hell. I want a better job. Higher pay, less work. I can't stand Cici's much longer.

I compromised my fucking beliefs for a relationship as well. That was really damn stupid of me. I stopped being a vegetarian so that Hayden and I could go out and eat at places that don't serve anything vegetarian, and because money was tight for me at the time... and I really rather regret it now. I also stopped running, cuz life was so hectic (and sometimes painful).

I just feel so much older and care worn. Nothing in my life seems as good as it was a year ago. I wish I could just go back, take back one stupid decision, and make everything right again.

But that'll never happen. So I guess I'll pick up, deal, and move on with life. The best way to do that seems to me to move back in with my parents. I don't really wanna live here anymore. Jenn doesn't help with the housework, Hayden has to be persuaded to do it, and I just don't feel like there's anything left for me here. Jenn and I haven't been close for a really long time. And I could save a lot of money living with my parents. I could probably focus on my schoolwork a lot better as well, and have the freedom to quit Cici's if it gets beyond what I can tolerate, and more time to look for a better job. The pros outweigh the cons. I guess I'll miss some of my freedom and being able to ride my bike to school and whatnot, but who's to say that I can't find another apartment and roommates sometime in the future.

Well, that's enough for now. Maybe now that all this madness is over, I can get back to updating on a regular basis. The time for silence is over.
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