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Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
2:03 pm - changing username
I don't think I want to be lustingblood anymore. That part of my life is over and it is time to put the past behind me. My new username will be Thykarmabenill. An anagram of my name for those of you who are curious. So anyone who wants to stay on my friends list can add that username and I'll add you back. Otherwise, this will be another method of weeding out my friends list. Ciao!

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Friday, July 16th, 2004
12:55 pm - omg! an update!
Well, let's see. I moved out of the apartment and back into my parents' house. I quit my shitty job at Cici's and decided not to pursue another job for awhile. Instead, I've been cleaning this house out like crazy. I had tons of old stuffed animals, jewelry, clothes, etc that I no longer have any use for and as soon as I finally get pictures taken of all of it, I'm going to try to sell it on ebay.

I've also been craving yardwork lately, no idea why. But I certainly have enough of it to occupy me here. So when I've not been cleaning out my room and sorting through old papers I've been outside digging in the dirt and pulling up weeds. And aside from that I've been fucking around with the computer, trying to get the cable modem to work for all 3 computers, but that requires repartitioning the hard drive so that I can install linux... which means sorting through what I want to save off the hard drive... and that'll take a while.

For the 4th of July we had a barbeque of sorts. It was nice. My brother and his girlfriend went down to Ava to camp with some of my brother's friends, and they got rained on. Then they spent the night at our house because it was supposed to continue raining all weekend. ;)  It was nice to see them though.

Last weekend I took my grandma and my uncle down to visit my aunt. 3 of my cousins were down there with all their kids, and we all went swimming and jet skiing and stuff. That was kinda cool. I'd never driven a jet ski before, but I'm not as enthralled with all that stuff (ie 4 wheeling and other recreational vehicles) as other people are. My uncle Tom drove his boat and my cousin Dusty tried to water ski... "oh oh he's up! no... he's down" but he finally did stay up for a while... until they had to go rescue Whitney, who had been driving the jet ski until it ran out of gas and she was marooned in the middle of the lake.  Tommy and Julie's family are mormans though, so it was kinda weird for me to try to remember what words I wasn't supposed to say. Ultimately, I just ended up being rather quiet.  My dad got in a big water fight with the little kids... that was amusing.  I think I made a faux pas at dinner time... they said they were going to say grace before dinner (being an atheist, I'm not even accustomed to that at all, but in my experience, it was always done after everyone got their food and sat down, but before they start eating) so I went in the kitchen to get food because I'm small and quick and wanted to get it before everyone else started milling around... I got called a cow and shooed back out into the living room! hehe... woops! I went outside then and ate with the kids cuz I felt guilty ( I guess the kids were supposed to get their food first or something... wtf? When I was a kid, it was everyone fend for themself) After they finished eating the kids found some frisbees and started throwing those around... there were 3 little girls, 1 little boy, me and my dad and my cousin mike... throwing around 4 frisbees all at once. Chaos, needless to say. It was fun though. It helped me figure out which girl was which, because they all look very much alike. And their names are Kensey, Macy and Addie... so it's very easy to confuse them.

On the drive down there, we loaded my bike and my dad's bike onto the bike rack and it seemed very secure, but we hadn't gone 10 miles down the road when the ropes snapped and the whole rack, bikes and all was dragging along behind my car! I was pretty scared, because I couldn't see where the bikes had gone and I was afraid they might have knocked out my taillights or something, but I couldn't stop too quickly because it was a two way road with nowhere to pull off really and there was a car right behind me. So I slowed down and pulled as far over to the side as I could and my dad got out to see wtf was going on. My bike had been  drug on the road for a little ways and it was all bent up. My dad's bike was pretty much alright, except the seat is all smashed up. It's okay, because I had been wanting a new bike anyways. But we had to stick the bikes in the trunk and bring them back home, so that made us later than expected... not to mention that we got lost down there, as we ALWAYS do. It's way down in the middle of nowhere and there are all these little twisty hilly roads that look alike. Anyways, we only made one wrong turn, so we weren't THAT late.

The other day Louis and I went to this Peace Network of the Ozarks meeting thing, which was kinda nifty. They showed us a movie/ videos about 9-11 conspiracy stuff, which was kinda cool, but I think some of it's a little far fetched. However, it was cool to talk to people who aren't like "blow up Iraq, those fuckers deserve it!"

I'll probably make a website to host pictures for ebay whenever I figure out what the hell my mediacom username is.. the guy didn't write it down for us, so I've been trying all the different combinations I could think of, but none of them have worked thus far. I wish I hadn't forgotten to take my digital camera down to the lake, but alas, it is so. So no cute pictures of little kiddies and mormons.


current mood: busy

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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
10:43 pm - back from the dead
This will probably be a rather lengthy entry, obviously, because I've been away for nigh on forever. I don't really even know where to begin. My life has been completely flipped upside down, shaken, and thrown to the wind. I guess I've come out of it (mostly) no worse for the wear, and hopefully a little wiser.

relationship dramaCollapse )
School sucked this semester as well. Even after I dropped the calculus class, I got 2 B's. Yeah, my gpa is down to 3.71 now. A lot of it due to the illness that Hayden gave me... when I first got it, I was running a fever of 102 and trying to get to labs that I knew could not be made up.... and crying from the pain of it.. but I got through it somehow with 2 B's, which isn't all that bad, I guess.

Work is getting worse than ever as well. Robert disappeared after his father had a heart attack (he went to see him and never came back) so we were stuck without a GM for about a month. The owner had to come in and work his shifts. After that, JC was made GM and he's getting something of a power trip now, or maybe it's that Dan was witness to all the shit that we don't do the way that corporate says we should... at any rate, now they're being all nitpicky about stupid little rules and work is hell. I want a better job. Higher pay, less work. I can't stand Cici's much longer.

I compromised my fucking beliefs for a relationship as well. That was really damn stupid of me. I stopped being a vegetarian so that Hayden and I could go out and eat at places that don't serve anything vegetarian, and because money was tight for me at the time... and I really rather regret it now. I also stopped running, cuz life was so hectic (and sometimes painful).

I just feel so much older and care worn. Nothing in my life seems as good as it was a year ago. I wish I could just go back, take back one stupid decision, and make everything right again.

But that'll never happen. So I guess I'll pick up, deal, and move on with life. The best way to do that seems to me to move back in with my parents. I don't really wanna live here anymore. Jenn doesn't help with the housework, Hayden has to be persuaded to do it, and I just don't feel like there's anything left for me here. Jenn and I haven't been close for a really long time. And I could save a lot of money living with my parents. I could probably focus on my schoolwork a lot better as well, and have the freedom to quit Cici's if it gets beyond what I can tolerate, and more time to look for a better job. The pros outweigh the cons. I guess I'll miss some of my freedom and being able to ride my bike to school and whatnot, but who's to say that I can't find another apartment and roommates sometime in the future.

Well, that's enough for now. Maybe now that all this madness is over, I can get back to updating on a regular basis. The time for silence is over.

current mood: drained

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Sunday, March 21st, 2004
2:33 am - and all that she loved she loved alone
sometimes there seem to be so many possible perspectives from which to view things. Like, are people predictable by who they interact with. You know how somone you know well can be depended on to say a certain catch phrase in particular instances.. at least with you. But they may seem to take on a whole different persona with someone else. Are they forever limited to a certain amount of interactions with this certain person? or is it possibly infinite? Even if it is, can they achieve the maximum amount of possibilities? Why do they get stuck in the same circles.... Why can't we transcend and be a different person each day... or at least react differently to the same person instead of having the same discussions repeatedly? Surely there's no way that two individuals have had every conversation possible. And yet the feeling of deja vu, as if it's all been said and done before. Maybe our brains are just too set in the limited neural pathways we established as children to be capable of acting in the way we see others doing. This is all pointless... I know. But intriguing to me....

a story for myselfCollapse )

I knew I would always have to rely on myself. I can comfort myself. I love myself most, of course. But I do love him an awful lot too..

It'd be nice if he could believe in a happy future for us, as I do.

oh well.
I know everything will be okay.

current mood: sleepy

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Monday, March 8th, 2004
4:06 pm - hypnotized by swaying branches
your weekly (monthly?) update.. rather long, I apologizeCollapse )

current mood: cheerful

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Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
11:18 am
look, I have a heart, it's shinyCollapse )

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Monday, February 23rd, 2004
3:57 pm
having a clean apartment makes me happy.

Hayden, you damn well better move in here, because I cleaned out my dresser for you, so I can move it back to my parents and you can put yours in here. Cleaning out a dresser is no simple feat for me...

I have a B in physiology and probably borderline A/B in organic. I have an A in mythology. But this all means I need to go study. I think I'm gonna sweep and mop the floors first though. And clean out my closet.

lalala... life is good. Spring seems just around the corner. everything will be fantabulous.

current mood: accomplished

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Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
8:55 pm
a moment of self doubt
in the face of flickering accusations
a twisted web of indiscretions
But through all the tangle of mixed emotions
the thread of your love is stronger
and I pull myself up and out of the
quagmire of insecurity

tomorrow is a new day
and love shall triumph all.

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Saturday, February 21st, 2004
9:16 pm - random
I hate the sound of people masticating. Ew gross. Just the sound of wet squishy chewing. Please close your mouth when you eat. And try not to be too disgusting about it.

And I hate when people compulsively scratch. The sound of their scratching.. it's like I'm trying to concentrate and all I can hear is your skin rasping on itself and flaking off into the air. Nasty.

No, I'm not very tolerant.

On a completely unrelated note, the urethra on the female body should not be located anywhere near the vagina. No, I won't explain. It's just common sense. Why would you want to put the two so close together? Evolution, you fucked up. Please work on a better model.

My life has been very chaotic lately, in that I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing from one day to the next. And I don't mind that in and of itself. But it looks like I'm going to drop calculus class now, and Hayden is moving in with us. I am very happy about both of these things. But they both worry me a little as well. I mean, I don't know if I drop calculus if I will need to pick up another credit hour in its place and if my scholarship will pay for that, or if I will have to pay for it... and I don't know if Hayden will be happy here. I mean, I don't foresee me having any problems at all with him, but I'm still so worried that he will be disappointed with me. I don't know, he really hit it off with my roommate, so hopefully where I fall short she can pick up the slack. And hopefully if I drop calculus I will have a little more free time. I just don't want him to be bored and lonely and stuff.

I guess Natalie, Emily, Barbie and I are going out to some haunted place tonight, so that may be cool.

Ah... well... I'm not too worried about having Hayden around. He makes the apartment feel infinitely more like home. And I could certainly get used to sharing my bed with him ;)

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Friday, February 20th, 2004
1:11 am - My world does not spin so much as it undulates...
what the fuck..
I don't even know what to think about this past week.
I am soooo incredibly happy.
And so in pain.
But so overjoyed.
yet soo confused.
The future is bright and a path is beginning to clear itself ahead.
And suddenly the past takes on new importance.

I know, I'm rarely ever so ambiguous or private about my life and its events.
For now, lets just say the gods have given me everything I ever wanted, and then threw in a little bonus I sure as hell didn't bargain for, but will deal with, I suppose...
And I am in love.

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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
2:19 am - stolen from vithren
1. Put your birth month in an entry.
2. Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
3. Bold the four that best apply to you.
4. Put all twelve months under a journal cut.

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
12 monthsCollapse )

HAHAHA... I'm homely. how apropos. otherwise, it all fits, although i suppose it's anyone's interpretation if that fits as well.

time for bed.

current mood: amused

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Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
2:01 am - shitty poetry inspired by approach avoidance attitudes toward homework and my own personal muse...
the humming computer drones
lulling me into the
clover green fingercut grass
of your sunshine touch
light blue dragonfly wings
kitty whisker melody in my ears
checkerboard civilization lost to entropic
curves in your
hair hips arms beauty love
breeze of the river
canyons of blue in your eyes
making me a star
but the water is warm
in the depths of the night where no one
dare venture
but vampires and vixens feeding on the gluttony
of too much love thrown
to the winds
of time
out there with the comfort of self proclaimed
psychotic antidepressant silhouettes
they make paperdolls and build them sawdust dreams
chasing dust bunnies through fishnet hoops trying to
tightrope walk the thread of the needle
through joe camel's eye.
but I have sandcastle dreams to wash away
the sand doesn't melt into glass but it
reparticulates and
never gives up fighting the tides, but
doesn't let me shape it permanently
you can come inside and
we will drift away in the hydrogen bonds
kelp and mermaids, oysters hidden pearls of aggravation
to somewhere else
where I can give you the universe.

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Monday, February 9th, 2004
4:09 pm - I am awesome
I got a C on my Calculus test. I know, that doesn't sound like something to celebrate, but considering the people around me that I could see their test scores... two D's and an F.. I'm feeling pretty damn good.

Good to know I'm still smart and CAN do anything I want. It's just a damn hard class. I thought maybe I'd become utterly stupid for a while there... but I feel better now. And it's sunny outside. And I think I'm gonna get my eyebrow pierced soon... There is much to celebrate in my world today. I also got a B on my organic test which I'm a little disappointed in, because I could have gotten an A. But alas, all the time sacrificed to study futile calculus brought that grade down. Oh well. I will do better next time... *promises self*

The world is good, and I love you, and you, and especially you...

off to work now..

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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
7:47 pm - the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...
2 fucked up dreams:

All I can remember about the first was there was something wrong with my cat. Like, she couldn't jump right anymore. And my dad saw this, so he like, started chopping pieces off of her body!!! AHHH!!! I cannot tell you how disturbing this dream was to me!!! I was like screaming and crying in the dream and I woke up and felt physically sick. I yelled at him in the dream to stop! And he looked at me funny and said something about how it was best that way, but he stopped, and she was all bleeding and her ear was laying on the floor and one of her legs...Q!@#$)(*#&@$ *cries*

It was so disturbing it took me a whole week to be able to write this about it...


Other strange dream consists of two parts, and I actually had it last night. I was in some big hauntedish mansion and .. apparently Hayden was with me? I don't remember why we were there or where it was... anyways, we went into this room and we were going to fuck... and so we started having sex and then this ghost of... his brrother? interrupted us, and we freaked out because it had caught us.. (not because it was a ghost) And it sucked cuz I was really horny. can I please have a COMPLETE sex dream? ;)

Then there was like another part... which was also about a haunted house, but I was driving along with ? someone... I can't remember who, and we were looking for a certain address... 920 I think, because we were supposed to do something in the house... I don't remember what. but there was no house there, it was just a vacant lot, but we knew it was supposed to be there because we'd been in it before... And then we drove down the street on the other side of it and it was there... weird... and then my alarm clock went off...

Time to go take a shower now.

current mood: cold

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2:28 am - You said I tasted famous so I drew you a heart but now I'm not an artist, I'm a fucking work of art
The other day I was sitting in the computer lab, everything silent and florescent and only the sound of clicking keys and the hum of printers. Suddenly the guy on the computer across from me calmly ejects a floppy from the computer, throws it violently to the floor and repeatedly jumps on it, then picks up the broken remnants and placidly sits back down as if nothing happened. Everyone stared and I couldn't help laughing, because I knew exactly how he felt...

Dressing sluttily and dancing in front of the mirror is fun...

"Nothing in this world is real
Except you are for me, and I am so yours"

Yes, couldn't have put it better myself.

current mood: bouncy

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Saturday, February 7th, 2004
3:27 am - my entire life?
This is going to be a very long, boring entry. For some reason feel like writing about my whole life. I'll put some labelled cuts so people can read if they think a topic is interesting, otherwise, I don't expect anyone to read it all.

trailer trashCollapse )

friend of the retardedCollapse )

kidnergarten and TracieCollapse )

when I first stopped being meCollapse )

school and losing friendsCollapse )

ugly duckling syndromeCollapse )

computer nerd or computer slut?Collapse )

high school, the best time of your lifeCollapse )

something to change my life foreverCollapse )

dying to love youCollapse )

acid and everything afterCollapse )
I've run out of room, may finish it later, maybe not.

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Thursday, February 5th, 2004
2:19 am - *yawn*
just when you think things can't get any worse...

blahblahbitchpissmoanCollapse )

anyways... here's something a little more interesting to post about...
what are breasts really for anyway?Collapse )

With that said, I'm going to go find a more productive way to waste time.

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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
12:27 am
everything kinda sucks right now
I'm sick of going to classes that I don't really enjoy
walking a mile through freezing rain to get there
not having time to do anything but homework, work, and sleep (occasionally time to eat)
and I'm really lonely
I wish I had the kind of friends who would come and drag me away from my homework and take me out to do something fun
okay.. I wish I had some friends, period.

there are some other more interesting things I could write about..... if I had the energy
but alas.. I've gone to class all day, then worked, then did homework, and now it is time for me to sleep.blah. will someone please come drag me out of this mind numbing drudgery......


Didn't think so. If I still was the person I used to be, I might become very depressed right about now. But I'm not, so I'll just drag myself along and figure out something to be happy about. I have lots to be happy about. Luci came back. I am sooo relieved about that! I love her sooo much.

And I have my health, my family, my quick wits and irresistible charm (right) to be thankful for. And um... home made bread. Yeah. That's a good one. Okay, so things could be a hell of a lot worse. I'll quit bitching and go to bed now.

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Saturday, January 31st, 2004
12:51 am - mourning for those things lost..
I don't think Luci is coming back.. :(
She's been gone for almost a week...
I hope nothing bad happened to her.
I wish.. I wish I could have taken better care of her.
I took her for granted.
If I see her sweet little body on the side of the road somewhere... I will never forgive myself

I should have made her an indoor cat
I shouldn't have worried about david finding out or Jenn bitching...
She just seemed like she liked it outside... I didn't want to ruin her freedom
And I thought she could take care of herself.
I hope, I hope that she has just found another home where they are able to better care for her.
Sweet little girl.
I miss your flat little face and your mischievous eyes already and the way you'd butt your head up against my nose and kiss me

Maybe she will come back...
I will take better care of her if she does. I will get a litter box and David can fuck himself if he tries to make me pay a pet deposit. I will hide her.. *sighs*

Even though she was annoying as hell for always waking me up in the wee hours wanting me to pay attention to her... none of that seems to matter.
She was so sweet and loving and I miss her.

*sniffles* Yes I am crying over a stray cat... don't laugh. She was a better friend than many of the people I know.

And to add to that.. I was looking at some old pictures (yes, I do mean OLD) and I saw myself wearing my favorite pair of black jeans.. and I realized I haven't worn them in forever. And realized I don't know where they are. I went on a mission searching for them and cannot find them anywhere! What happened to them? dammit.

Can I just for once not lose everything I love?

I'll be okay. I'm pretty sure Luci is not hurt (I really really hope). She is quite the solicitor. Someone else probably took her in. I hope she has a wonderful life.

Ah god, my tattoo itches sooo bad! Someone, slap my hands to keep me from scratching!!! ARGH!

I'm going to go take a shower now and off to bed. Work sucked, I'm a little depressed, and I've had weird/freaky dreams lately. need some quality sleep badly.

current mood: sad

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Friday, January 30th, 2004
When I had to walk to class! God damn.. THis is SO not even fair. FUCK winter. Fucking fuckity fuck! I think my nipples froze off and are lost somewhere...

In other news... I don't waAAAAAAAAAnna go to work.. *whines*

And I don't have much food. Why do other people eat my soy burgers?? why? why? be a good carnivore and eat your dead animals. I know you're going to anyway so leave MY food alone! Dammit.


Physiology is more disturbing to me than I like to admit. We kill multitudes of frogs in that class. I know it's not like they're endangered or anything.. but it seems so horrible that these poor things are bred just for the purpose of being killed (it is a painless death at least). *sigh* what am I going to do? My frog yesterday was so cute and animated and hopping around and blinking lots and then the lab instructor had to pith him and make him brain dead and he came back all limp and subdued. Ugh... even if it didn't hurt him it made me so sad...

I think there was something else I wanted to write about, but I forgot what it was, so you luck out for now :)

Anyways, I'm enjoying my new shirt from ebay, and feeling fairly pretty today, so I took pics. Yes, lotsa pics. Enjoy :)

***Edit The website that hosted these pics is gone. ***

Okay, sorry there were so many. I just felt like posting them. yes I'm a vain superficial attention hungry person and people seem to appreciate it, so anyone that has anything nasty to say about it, fuck off.
Otherwise, have a nice day. Time for me to go get ready for work. *spontaneous vomitting incurs*


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