lustingblood (lustingblood) wrote,
lustingblood
lustingblood

my entire life?

This is going to be a very long, boring entry. For some reason feel like writing about my whole life. I'll put some labelled cuts so people can read if they think a topic is interesting, otherwise, I don't expect anyone to read it all.




My earliest memories are of living in a trailer. The sad windmill wallpaper of the too-hot summer days and hiding under large objects of stability when strangers would visit. And there were never too many visitors. My grandmother lived (and still does) in the trailer down the hill and across the river (ditch-- it was a river to me when I was that young). I wore a path to her "house". I trimmed the kitty's whiskers because I thought they were long hairs. I was the cute little pixie girl who loved to be outside and barefoot, chasing butterflies and dreams, following my cat around and eating her food. My dad and grand-uncle built the house soon thereafter... I was about 4-5 years old at that time. My clearest memories of that time were the huge pile of dirt surrounding the hole in the ground, and a (wild) mouse biting the hell out of my finger when I tried to pet it (the cat -- Princess-- brought it to us alive, as she was known to do, and I just wanted to pet it...). I still have a scar... We also had a duck and a chicken. The chicken being almost as tall as I was at the time would peck the hell out of me, and I would run away, I guess thus establishing my lower position in the pecking order and continuing the problem. Yes.. I couldn't even stand up to a chicken! Eventually I got sick of it and began kicking her, and that put an end to it... But I remember she would always lay eggs in Chester's truck (my grand uncle). And Howard the duck turned out to be female, couldn't fly very well, shit all over the porch, and didn't like the taste of lightning bugs.



The neighbors up the street had 2 kids... both of them older than me, but one of them was retarded, and I got along with him just fine. (what does this say about me?) I don't even remember why I liked him.. this was still when I was around 4 or 5... he must have been around 10? I know that my mom was worried as hell about me, because he would eat anything, and I would watch in fascination. Luckily, I don't think I ever followed suit in anything worse than wading barefoot through the ditch. Why did we do that? No fucking idea. Maybe that is what stunted my growth or something... haha.



I guess then I started school.. kindergarten is a haze of those big picture-story flip books and trying to write all the numbers to 100, except my handwriting was so bad, I drew lines between all my numbers so she would be able to separate them. They thought I was retarded. They thought my brother was retarded too, at first. They put him in a remedial math class and then discovered he's a genius and put him in CATS. I wanted to be in CATS. I never qualified. This fucked up my head later in life, but I'm skipping way ahead of my story.

I think I met Tracie in kindergarten. I remember we were next to each other in line, and I was so shy, I just kept staring at my feet. She told me I looked like a turtle. I think I called her a giraffe then. I don't remember what happened but we became good friends by first grade. We drew each other pictures of cats and princesses, and dogs, and pretty teachers. We played with barbies together and walked around the playground border together. We never really fit in well with the other girls with their perfect hair, clothes, and mothers. not even that young.

Tracie had nieces that were years older than she, and her mother was never married to her father. I thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread. She always taught me new dirty words and told me about things "big girls" did.




I probably became friends with the next door neighbor's granddaughter about this time too.. her name was (is) Emily... Gwen (her grandmother) was devoutly religious, so this relationship depended on me pretending to be someone else a lot. I learned from an early age I couldn't always act the way I did at home... I had to be many different people, and never ever say what I was really thinking. I stopped believing in God and Santa Clause simultaneously, my dad being an atheist and my mom agnostic, they let me go to Sunday school with my grandma while I still liked it, but I got bored of it quickly and it never made sense to me. I thought it was just another fairy tale. But I had to pretend to believe in it.. I felt like an unclean outsider, trying to make up the right lies to suit the dogma of all the other religious people in the community.

I had a lot of fun with Emily. We'd play with our barbies for a while, but mostly we played games of the imagination, usually of my contriving (being older) and often involving the new neighbor kids (josh and Sarah) who were also younger than me. We'd play on the rope swing, go pick blueberries, eat popsickles, ride our bikes and all the general childish games...

Gwen decided I was a bad influence because... I forget why. Something really stupid. so we couldn't play together anymore. And then I outgrew them. And all of this over a period of about 3 years...



In the meantime, in school we were learning cursive, multiplication tables, and I was excelling, always loving to learn and I was quiet and studious. The teachers loved me. Tracie, however, began to lag behind.. She missed a lot of school, because she just didn't want to go and her mother would write excuses for her (or she would forge them) She resented me for doing well.

She became friends with Lacey, and they bonded more closely than I could ever do, because I'd simply never known any of that type of relationship. My mom was always distant in these early memories and I don't remember ever hugging her much. She was always mad at me for something or other. My best memories are of her singing me to sleep at night when I was very young. I was always close to my dad, however. He would think up games to play with me and take me to work with him and basically spoil me with attention. But from my mom.. I can't remember anything. She made me a butterfly net, and doll clothes...... but I don't remember interaction.She might as well have not been there.



Somewhere along about 4th grade I got glasses and became UGLY! Everyone started hating each other for this or that. comparing bra sizes, growing, getting nice clothes, taking notice of the opposite sex. Tracie and Lacey and I were still friends, but I was the third wheel. I resented them for their inside secrets and I guess they resented me for doing better at school than they did, and I probably did come off as a "know-it-all" "goody-two-shoes" 6th grade.. this is when my self esteem became negative for the first time. All the friends I'd had before puberty were different. Everyone had cds and games and clothes that I didn't have. Lacey moved away, though, and Tracie and I became closer again and I became friends with Tandi, another "nerd". The girls that would later become the preps tortured me. Yes, this is all standard. I don't want to get into it.. Even 8 years later the embarrassment of their insults and tricks hurts me. How crazy is that? I began to enter into my depressed, quiet, sullen girl role. No longer speaking up in class at all, trying to be invisible was the best way to avoid humiliation, so it seemed. Tracie and I reached a new level of closeness. Our picture drawing had morphed into note writing with intricate foldings and we'd go to the mall sometimes or I'd help her with her math. We talked on the phone a lot. We talked about boys, and went to dances together. We shoplifted together and decided to wear bikinis under our clothes and walk home from school in them. We forged notes to skip PE, and we cut seventh hour together. We made up words and ate lunch together and flirted with the stoner guys. Middle school, in entirety, was a mixed hell.



It was in the 6th grade that I became enamored with the internet that my brother had discovered back when it was just bbs's. I'd fooled around with his computer and games, and I knew much of the nomenclature. The first OS after windows 3.11 that I became familiar with was linux. I became addicted to chat rooms, and had a 19 year old "boyfriend" who sent me cards and such. I became a cyberwhore. Yes, at 13. cybersex out the wazoo. I wasn't able to take nude pictures of myself until later, probably when I was 15 or 16. But then I did, in the extreme. They're probably still out there somewhere. I'd stay up into the wee hours chatting with random people;e in java based chat rooms and sucking up all the attention I could from anyone willing to give it. Tracie became close to a girl named Joyce, who moved from somewhere else, and whose family was more like Tracie's than mine (both without a father present, religious, lots of sibling) And I became a third wheel again.




ah.. high school... by eighth or ninth grade, I was one fucked up girl. I now understood why I didn't fit in anywhere; we had no money.. "isn't your dad the one that steals lawn mowers?" ( I don't even want to explain this right now, but the entire offensiveness of this comment should be clear anyway) we didn't go to church. That about sums up most of it. If I made a list of all the people who insulted me on my looks, my chest, my eyes, my hair, my ears, it would take up way too much space. Suffice it to say, I didn't come out of middle school entirely in one piece. My self esteem was zilch. Tracie moved away in the beginning of freshman year and I was soo alone. I became friends with Joyce somehow, and that helped a little... but still my whole high school existence was based on the principle "be as invisible as possible" and I lived on ramen noodles in the basement in front of the computer, especially after we got windows 95 and I could chat on icq, and then the miraculous advent of IRC, where at 14 I met smerf, my first "real" boyfriend, in that he came to visit me, and we kissed, and all that good stuff. (okay not ALL that good stuff) 14 is soo young. I guess it was really just wanting a friend and attention, but we got along fairly well for a while, until I realized he really wouldn't talk to me. at all. He had nothing to say in real life. On line, he was great. In reality, nada. We'd kiss and make out, and fool around. and play cards and go out and do stuff (he stayed at my house for a month one summer) but it never seemed to make any real connection. I guess he thought so, though. He was even more fucked up than me. His dad was an alcoholic and his dad's girlfriend was a bitchy whore with asshole kids.... his mother committed suicide/ was murdered when he was very young. He was already a pothead at the age of 14 and tripping on um.. whatever the active ingredient is in Robitussin.. I forget. Well, I grew tired of his freaking out about me talking to other guys or not getting online as much as he wanted me to and I "broke up" with him, after which he would call me and tell me how he was trying to kill himself, etc. this was all in my freshman year of high school.



Then AJ came along, a new guy at school, completely not your typical Rogersville student, wearing all black and pentacles and tall and skinny with a piercing stare. He sat across the room from me in music appreciation and stared at me, and I thought he was pretty attractive. After class, he came up to me and handed me a folded sheet of paper saying "for you.." and I read it, and it was the one and only poem anyone has ever written for me (Louis might have tried a couple times, but only because of my insistence.. that's another subject) and definitely the best one. I was sooo flattered. so bowled over. But this was actually while cayce and I were still together. So I did my whole stalkerish thing and found AJ's webpage and read all about him, became very interested in him. but ultimately told him we must just be friends, due to my already being in "a relationship." Plus, I think I was a little scared of him. A couple months went by, we were both too shy to pursue a friendship, and he hooked up with ... BRANDI. Ugh....

By this time cayce and I had split up, but I still wasn't too interested in AJ, for whatever reason. Tracie moved back to Rogersville and it was me and Tracie and Joyce and it was wonderful for a while.... we all wrote notes and shared make up, and then they got their licenses, and cars, and jobs, and I was left out again...

I met Louis... I remember the first time I saw him. Tracie and I were walking down the hall together, and we both saw him, with his hair all braided in dreads, and she was like "hey baby" (so only I could hear) and I agreed. And then I found out he rode my bus. So I would sit behind him and touch his hair where it hung over the seat and he never knew...



To cover the status of my mentality... I was extremely depressed, even if I didn't show it. I began cutting myself somewhere in this period. I cried myself to sleep many many nights. I wanted to die. I wanted someone to notice me. to care about me. I wanted to be someone else. I took pictures of my bloody cuts, and sent them to other people who cut, and we'd talk, and I'd tell my friends online about it, but nothing helped. They didn't really care. I'd tell them I was really going to kill myself to see if they'd do anything about it, and what could they do? and there I'd proven to myself that no one cared... And my parents had to see that something bad was happening. I began to dress differently, be a total bitch, couldn't sleep regularly, wouldn't discuss anything with them. I guess it's pretty typical though. Well, whatever. I stole some of my dads beer and drank myself to puking for the first time, alone... I'd come to realize that I didn't care about me either.... and I lost all inhibitions I had about.. well... drugs, sex, whatever. Joyce talked me into going on a blind date to kickapoo's prom with some guy she new from McDonalds where she worked, because she had told him she would go with him, and then at the last minute someone else she really liked had asked her out. I think she actually just didn't want to go...the guy sucked. He kept rubbing his hardon on me while we were dancing, he made fun of the way I dressed, implying I was trashy, and had bad breath and SANG ALONG WITH THE SONGS TERRIBLY! At a prom! Ew! I'm so glad it wasn't MY prom! It was the Monday after that that Louis sat down next to me on the bus to avoid sitting with this retarded girl that talked incessantly about how that one guy from n'sync or whatever was her boyfriend, and if you weren't lucky, she'd start singing to you.. We started talking, he told me about a party he'd had while his parents were out of town, I told him about my shitty date. He sat next to me again the next day, and told me he'd gotten his dick pierced and I told him I didn't believe him, and so he showed me. That's how I met Louis. We continued to talk for a few days but it was nearly the end of the year and then he moved away to Pennsylvania with his mom over the summer, but gave me his e-mail address and I gave him mine, and he actually wrote to me. So we talked on aim, and I introduced him to irc, and then sent him nude pics, and we got really close really fast. He made plans to move back in the fall, and eventually he did and moved in with Aj of all people. turns out they were best friends.....

So he moved in with AJ, we hooked up, made out a lot in the beginning, and I was introduced to Aj's new girlfriend, brandi. At first it was all cool.. well it wasn't long before I discovered what a pothead Louis was, and AJ even more so. And I wanted to try it. And I did. And I came to like it. I became a veritable pothead as well, and we tried anything we could get our hands on. We went to music festivals, drove around in Louis' car when he got one, we walked to the graveyard, went to the nature center, saw movies, smoked lots and lots of pot, drank when we could get alcohol, did nitrous when we could, tripped on Dramamine and for my 17th birthday Louis got me 2 double hits of acid. Worst thing I've ever done in my life.



The setting was all wrong. I was paranoid now to begin with. By this time, Brandi had taken a hating to me. She terrorized me, toiletpapering my house, putting birdseed in my lawn, her friends insulting me all the time, calling and threatening to kill me. She thought that AJ still liked me, and she was a big slut and wanted Louis as well, so she was jealous on two fronts. And a crackhead to boot... so she was totally a loose cannon, and I'd become really paranoid that there was a reason she was so jealous, that she and Louis had really done something. And AJ gave me some reasons to support the idea. Louis was always going out with Ty and his other friends and I didn't have a car or a license, so I was always worried he was doing something with brandi and I couldn't trust him at all. This put enormous stress on our relationship. Honestly, I don't know how our relationship lasted so long at all. We never trusted or respected each other much. It was all about sex and drugs. Speaking of which.. let me back track again a little, because I've left out some details... When Louis first came back and I got in touch with him, when I went over to AJ's house to see him for the first time in months, we made out as soon as we got together, and then we sat there and I asked him if we were together now, and he avoided it. ANd I started crying... and he gave in and said we were.... And he claims that is when I started manipulating him... I'd say that is when my trust in him was never built at all... because he'd told me that as soon as he came back, we would be together. And the real reason, I later found out, for his hedging the question was that he was still interested in Tiffany, and was hoping for another chance with her. And perhaps there WAS something going on between him and brandi. *shudder* He ALWAYS denied it, even to this day, but that's just Louis. He will never admit to anything wrong...

Anyways... jumping forward again... I was paranoid, distrustful, and manipulative with Louis because I was so afraid that he was fooling around on me and going to leave me, and that I was the laughingstock of the whole city. Yes, I was very paranoid. But it wasn't out of control. So... Louis gets the acid for me and we went to heather and Jeff's house because I guess they had some pot and someone was gonna get smoked up. I always felt like I owed people something when we'd go there... and smoke their pot, and like they resented me.. but Louis would never admit anything and I still don't really understand all the social rules of potsmoking. Anyway... we were there, and heathers room was covered in bondage posters and she had really long fingernails... they were talking about shit that probably wouldn't bother me at all normally, but.. I'd gotten the idea that Louis was performing sexual favors for all the girls that would smoke him up and that was why they were doing it... and I was of so little significance that they didn't even care that I was there, because what could I do? and he didn't care if I left him, he just told me that nothing was going on because he wanted to keep fucking me. OKay yes, I realize my brain was completely fucked up then, and I think a lot of it was to do with the pot. Maybe it was more the pot than the acid, after all. But *shrug* who knows... Anyway... I took one of the double hits and waited about an hour while we were all passing around the bong or pipe, or whatever implement was being used... and nothing was happening, so I decided to take the other one. You have to understand that about a week before we'd gotten some "acid" that was just candy, and we'd waited and waited and nothing ever happened. So we thought this was bunk too. But it wasn't. Oh no, it really wasn't. By two hours, I was getting that buzzing feeling, seeing tracers and whatnot. A few minutes later, we were in the car, and driving to ty's house, and I could hear singing. I thought everyone in the car was singing. But then I realized it was the trees along the road. I was happy and enjoying it as long as we were in the car with the music. Then we went into ty's house... and there were Bad Things. I thought his dad wanted to kill me, first off. His parents are drug dealers, and his dad owns a LOT of guns. And I thought he was scared that I was going to turn them in, and he kept glaring at me, and... well, then we went up into ty's room, and I think people were trying to talk to me but I was way too far into my observations of the poster on his wall to make any kind of response. I think they were a little scared about me, in retrospect, but to me, I was extremely disturbed by the alien poster on his wall, and then by the flashing clock on his desk, because it WAS really flashing and it really wasn't flashing 12:00 like it should have been, and I asked them and they tried to explain that to me. But to me, it was flashing code words and I was trying to read them. Then ty brought out a knife, and this was not good. I could have sworn he was holding it up in my face, threatening to kill me and laughing about it. (maybe they really were, just to fuck with the girl who's tripping, that kinda sounds like something ty might do) ANyways, I thought they all hated me. And then Christina and Annie came in...and I hate them anyway. They're preppie sluts who were always mean to me, and I could swear they were talking shit about me, and then literally throwing animal feces on me... And Nicole was there and they all started talking about what an ugly whore I was? I don't know, Louis swears that didn't happen.

Then we got into someone's car, and drove somewhere, and I don't know why, but I know we went into some store. Or they did. I was left in the car for obvious reasons, and they came back but I saw Yolanda (the school assistant principal ) in the store and was freaking out. And we drove right past a cop and they were all stoned and I was tripping balls and they were freaking me out about the cop.. Then we ended up at AJ's house, where we sat in front of the TV, (I don't really know if it was on or off in reality) but all the cats and dogs were meowing incessantly and I knew they were spy robots and their meowing and barking was a code language in which they were making observations of me, talking about how Louis was playing me, and laughing about how stupid I was and plotting to kill me. I looked at Louis at one point and he was a crossdressing whore. Then he was wearing a straw hat and had a piece of grass in his mouth, country style. AJ tried to give me a cookie that was filled with maggots and cat hair, but he was Evil, so I took it, so he wouldn't know that I could see the real Poison, which was normally hidden. And I wandered into Louis' room, where he tried to talk to me... He kept dissolving into static, though, I could tell he wasn't real because his lips were black, and I tried to wipe off the blackness but it wouldn't go away... And he kept pixellating like staticky reception or a glitch in a dvd.. I knew that he was a hologram of a game in which I was simply a character on a screen, and somewhere deep inside my Consciousness that was just awakening, was the true person, who was probably extremely retarded compared to the other people (players) which is why I didn't understand everything that was going on. He passed out, like he always did whenever he smoked... so when AJ gave me the cookie, I took it into Louis's room and laid it next to Louis' head. AJ's little sister was wearing a towel, and then she took it off and started dancing ballet naked... That freaked me out a lot, so I let that room, also because there was a light under the door, leading to another room, and I knew I had to follow that light... I followed it upstairs, because I heard noises up there, and AJ's mom was up there doing dishes. I walked around the kitchen aimlessly, observing things. AJ's mother was the source of the red light, and she was Satan. I tried not to let on that I saw her true Form, but couldn't seem to speak to her, even though I knew she was asking me questions slowly through water consistency air... I floated back downstairs.... I sat next to Louis and stared at him for a long time. I kept trying to wake him up and he kept ignoring me, I would see him open his eyes a little ways every now and then though, and I realized he was pissed off at me because I was taking up his time that was supposed to be spent with one of his other girls. So he was shutting down his character to go play it in another location, that I was locked out of because I was too stupid to transcend my player setting.

I sat there in deep contemplation and agony of everyone's desertion of me for who knows how long. Then Jeremy came in and fucked with me, like putting his hand in front of my face and pretending he was going to kick me and shit, and somehow AJ and Louis came back into existence and told him not to fuck with me. I didn't care, I was more concerned with Satan outside. She was pretending to vacuum, and I knew she was really spying. Then they tried to tell me a lot that my dad was there to pick me up. It took several tries but I understood, and they got me to repeat "act normal, I'll act normal"

By that, I sat in the car, thwarted all attempts at conversation, and stared at the post nuclear war scenery along the highway. There were huge craters, everything was black and burned.. the signs along the highway had holes and scorching all over them. I knew that Aj's dad was involved in it, because he was friends with George W. Bush, and if I let anyone know that I knew AJ's family connections, my character would be quickly terminated, causing me to die as well because I was too stupid an entity to exist outside the Game. SO I just sat in my silent horror... When we got home, I realized that my family was crack addicts and Ty was supplying them, and because I had bought weed from someone else instead of Ty, and said that his was too seedy, he was punishing my family and threatening them ... The "trains" that stopped all the time outside my house? Yeah, those were really spies, they were stopping there with their militia ready to terminate us all if I fucked up. It was very very vital while I was watching all this that I not let them see my thoughts and see that I understood what was really happening, because in a dream, when you realize it's a dream, you wake up, and I would have nothing to hang onto if I woke up out of the Game. So I was trying really hard not to die, by trying not to let them see my thoughts, and trying to act as normal as possible. I slowly realized I should go downstairs and take out my contacts and brush my teeth to keep up pretenses. which I did, but when I looked in the mirror, I saw I was really a crackwhore, and my teeth and hair were falling out and my skin was all discolored and ulcerated in patches, and when I opened my mouth, a brown, ragged tooth fell out and I saw it bounce into the sink, down the drain, I heard it. I felt it fall out. I saw the blood running out of my mouth. I nearly screamed then.

ALl night long I lay awake in bed. There was a train outside and I could hear their voices outside the house, discussing whether or not I was smart enough to pick up on what was going on. When my dad went downstairs, I had to get up and follow him, because I was afraid they were torturing him, and that led to an awkward excuse on my part.

I went back to bed, finally slept a couple hours, and woke up feeling a little less paranoid, and things began to seem more and more real as time went by, but every time I smoked pot after that I would slip back towards that understanding of my place in a game..

I kept freaking out on Louis, begging him to tell me the truth, but knowing I couldn't explain to him what I had seen, because he was in on it. He wanted me to die too. I couldn't watch tv or listen to the radio for a while because everything I saw seemed to be a code about me, and every song was telling me that everyone hated me and I should die...

it slowly faded, but I still to this day can slip into that mind frame.. and pot brings it out.. So I've totally stopped smoking pot.

Eventually Louis and I reconciled and I continued smoking and being paranoid, but mostly keeping it to myself and cutting when it got really bad... I began smoking when I was 17... Louis offered me a cigarette one night after I'd gotten my car (my brother's old one) and license, because it was late, I was really tired, and he wanted me to be safe to drive home... SO I took it, smoked it, liked the buzz it gave me and then began bumming drags off his cigs, and then bumming cigs from him and Aj... and then when I was 18 I began buying my own...

I've run out of room, may finish it later, maybe not.
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